And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
