Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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