guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
