I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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