I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
