I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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