Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
