Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize