did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
