I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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