everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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