I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
