Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
