I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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