babies were throwing up all over the place
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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