one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
