just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
