I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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