I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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