Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
