Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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