Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize