apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
