my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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