i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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