Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
