Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
