I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
