K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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