Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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