The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
