You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
