I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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