i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
