I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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