Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
