I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
accomplished twins. life is a go
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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