Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
