I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
