Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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