it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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