anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Randomize
