guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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