I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize