I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
