Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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