new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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