We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
