She is in my trunk
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
