i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Sober January is a disaster.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
