What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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