I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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