A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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