You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
