I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
